It was still a good holiday, I have amazing friends that when I wasnt single I drifted away from that now Im incredibly close to, they made it wonderful.
but still, its weird.
especially because my first boy is physically thousands of miles away wishing he was with me, the second is physically 3 miles away wanting nothing to do with me, both are all fucked up in so many ways, both hurt me, one is lonely the other in a new relationship IDENTICAL to our past one. And I mean IDENTICAL. Even the gift he got her for xmas is similar.
the boy I think I want, is out of reach, ..I wish I was with him because I know he’d keep me from thinking all these “what could have been” thoughts..
Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest with hands stretched towards the calendar hanging itself but I will not weep for those dying days. For all the ones who've left there's a few that stayed. And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.
day 010. to someone I don’t talk to as much as I’d like
Joe and Ned,
I miss you guys so much. I would give anything to talk to you more, or to live closer to you so I could see you all the time. I have never met anyone like either of you. You guys are absolutely amazing.
Joe I have the message you sent me (when I was going through all those hard times with Trey) printed out and on my bulletin board in my room, its been there for I guess over a year now..I read it when I start to feel really down, when I start doubting myself..my worth.. Its always there to pick me up. Thank you.
I dont know where to begin. I knew writing this would be hard and I considered just skipping it or being very generic but then I realized maybe it would be good for me to say things I feel even though I’m almost certain you will never see this.
Let me start by saying I dont hate you, Im not even the slightest bit angry with you and I harbor no resentment. Im actually grateful to you, but Ill get to that later.
When we broke up you said it was in part because of how different our lives were. Because I didnt have a car or a license or a job and that I relied on you for pretty much everything. That you felt guilty when you would take me home because you knew I would just be sitting there waiting for you because I couldnt really do anything else. All of these things I completely understood. It made sense to me where you were coming from. And when I asked if we would get back together when I got my life straight you said..and I quote.. “I dont see why not, I dont want to be with anyone but you." period. But none of that was true was it?
Now you are with someone else, and you know I adore her, I think she is wonderful. And she and I are friends, which never changed and I never made her feel bad for being with you. I think its good you are with her, she needs you. But she is exactly like I was when be broke up..worst even because she doesnt have a permit. Im only even mentioning it because it proves that there is alot you never told me about why we broke up…and what you did tell me wasnt true.
Im not going to ramble any more about that stuff because none of it matters to me anymore. Honestly Im really really happy with my life right now. And Im happy for you also.
I want you to know that Im grateful to you that you hurt me like you did because it inspired me to do things for myself. In just a few months I now have a car, and a license, and 2 jobs I absolutely love and Im getting my own place with friends of mine soon. Im so unbelievably happy with how things have turned out! I have so many amazing new people in my life..and Im genuinely happy..without you.
After we broke up I went to Richmond, VA alone to the iwrestledabearonce concert I had VIP tickets to. I got to hangout with the band and I had a great time and I was there all alone, no boyfriend, no friend..just me. And right then and there I was independent again. I even made a few friends. Next I went to a GWAR concert and met a group of guys that are now really good friends of mine, I drive out to see them every so often. Next I went to Six Flags and rode every single rollercoaster..even superman. And I did it on my own, not holding anyones hand, just on my own.. It was an amazing feeling. I felt completely fearless. I owe that all to you.
In the end I want you to know I just want us to be friends, thats all Ive wanted. And recently Ive felt like maybe thats going to be a possiblity. I certainly hope it is.
Thanks for helping me realize I can stand on my own two feet, its funny how amazing these past months have been is all a result of something that back in July I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me..it ended up being the best.
Sometimes you ar very silly, sometimes very frightening.
You make me worry I may be insane, and other times make me feel ingenious.
I have only one request…
Please stop replaying memories of this time last year. That relationship doesn’t exist in reality any more and when I sleep sometime I forget that, and it makes me feel all sad like even though during the day I hardly even think about it anymore…
Somedays I love you other days I want to sell you to the mob.
that sums us up perfect.
Thanks for picking me up from school when it got to hard to deal, and for getting me drunk after finals my first semester of college…and for sleep overs after breakups and holding my hand when you knew I needed to know someone was there.
There is so much I can think to say but my thoughts are all jumbled and I’m second guessing every word. I’m not sure where to start.
You are my best friend. I love how close we are, I love that we have dates (even though its been a very long time since our last one) and that you will sometimes stay up late and watch a movie with me even when you know you have work in the morning. You are the only one who has never let me down, you have always kept your promises and for that I will always be thankful. You have done an amazing job raising me and I owe so much to you. We didn’t always see eye to eye in the past but I know now everything you said, everything you did was always for the best.
Now the apologies,
I’m so sorry for giving you such a hard time when I was kid. I’m so sorry for every time I told you “I hate you”. Those words make my stomach turn. You are amazing, I swear losing you will be the greatest trial in my life and I dread it every single day. I will be so lost, My love for you is greater than you or even I can fathom. You are home to me, and when I feel lost and alone, scared or confused I always find myself going to you.
Thanks for always forgiving, and for ten trillionth chances.
I love you Mom.
This letter will be short and sweet, because you don’t deserve my time or efforts.
You have no idea the effect you leaving has had on my life. Do you know that I never celebrated a birthday? That I always keep people at arms length? That I am terrified of being alone? Do you know how hard it is to let people in? Do you know that I actually worry that I’m like you? You destroyed so much of the stability I should have had as child. You broke every promise you ever made to me. In many ways I hate you..but I know I really don’t, I cant..But I do wish you would’ve been gone from the beginning instead of pulling me along and making empty promises just to abandon me when I least expected it.
But in many ways I thank you,
Because I’m strong, and I know I don’t need you, and I know I could survive on my own.
I still don’t know how I feel, if Im actually developing feelings for you or if there is just a lot about you I like. I have never met someone so completely fearless (with so many fears)..I think that makes you breathtaking. I wouldn’t say I have a crush on you, because I don’t have feelings of that intensity for you and I’m not even sure I’m attracted to you, but I know Im attracted to your words, and your mind…
I dont know what I am, or how I feel, but I do know you have no idea. We are practically strangers.
Of course you instantly came to mind when I read the words ‘best friend’. I dont know how I got so lucky to have you, lord knows I dont deserve you. You took me back when I had no one and loved me when I was all alone. You brought me back to life not once but twice even though I had let you down. You are the most forgiving, most loyal, most amazing person I have ever met in my life and you’re mine. If I lost everything but still had you I know I would be ok. You are everything to me, and I love you more than I have ever loved another person; more than I ever will.
Thank you, a thousand times thank you. For loving me, for keeping me grounded. And for second chances I dont deserve. I promise you will always be first.
Ryan ‘mah booskii’ Kennedy,
For the life of me I have no idea where to begin.
You are amazing. I have never been so completely in love with everything about a person as I am with you. You are always there for me, whether its to hold my hand when I just need to know someone is there, or to be my shoulder when I cant stop crying over nothing, or to (at my worst) pull my ass out of the middle of the road when Ive hit rock bottom. (literally). You stayed up late and let me cry to you, you picked me up when I couldnt stop. I would do anything to keep you in my life forever. Seriously when I get married (if its not to you..which if Im neither of us are married by 30 it better be!) you will be my maid of honor (you dont have to wear a dress but if you wanna Im so down!) standing right next to Heather by me and the guy who will inevitably be of third imporatnce to me..because the two of you are everything.
Ive decided to give it a try, I think it’ll be good for me seeing as lately I havent been so in touch with my feelings…or lack there of.
Maybe I need to say things I always thought but second guessed myself to the point of being unable to verbalize them.
Day 1. Your Best Friend Day 2. Your Crush Day 3. Your parents Day 4. Your sibling (or closest relative) Day 5. Your dreams Day 6. A stranger Day 7. Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush Day 8. Your favorite internet friend Day 9. Someone you wish you could meet Day 10. Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to Day 11. A Deceased person you wish you could talk to Day 12. The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain Day 13. Someone you wish could forgive you Day 14. Someone you’ve drifted away from Day 15. The person you miss the most Day 16. Someone that’s not in your state/country Day 17. Someone from your childhood Day 18. The person that you wish you could be Day 19. Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad Day 20. The one that broke your heart the hardest Day 21. Someone you judged by their first impression Day 22. Someone you want to give a second chance to Day 23. The last person you kissed Day 24. The person that gave you your favorite memory Day 25. The person you know that is going through the worst of times Day 26. The last person you made a pinky promise to Day 27. The friendliest person you knew for only one day Day 28. Someone that changed your life Day 29. The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to Day 30. Your reflection in the mirror